How Not to Disrupt the Academic System: A Guide for the Modern Lecturer
Are you worried your teaching style might accidentally inspire students or, worse, make them think? Fear not. Follow this simple guide to ensure you don’t accidentally improve the system.
1. Stick to the Script
Why think when you can read?
Always deliver your lecture in monotone, with PowerPoint slides that contain every word you plan to say. Bonus points if the font is unreadably small and the graphics were last updated in 2006.
Avoid tangents. Avoid questions. Especially avoid humour. This is academia, not a stand-up club.
2. Never Show Personality
Personality is dangerous. It encourages connection. And connection might lead to engagement—which could lead to learning. We can’t have that.
Keep things sterile. Use phrases like “further to that point” and “as per the marking rubric.” Ideally, speak as though you're narrating an EU policy document from the 1990s.
3. Prioritise Information Over Understanding
Remember: your role is to deliver content, not meaning. Students must leave your class overloaded, confused, and mildly resentful—not enlightened.
The more abstract the concepts, the less context you should provide. Learning is their responsibility. You just stand there.
4. Discourage Curiosity
If a student asks a question, respond with:
- “That’s outside the scope of today’s lecture.”
- “Read the handbook.”
- "See me after class" (and then never be available).
This ensures curiosity dies quietly and doesn’t spread.
5. Treat Lecturing as a Distraction From Research
If asked about your teaching philosophy, simply say, “I’m primarily a researcher.”
This reinforces the idea that teaching is a secondary nuisance rather than a noble act of shaping future minds. Remember: papers over pupils.
Ensure Your Excellence Is Invisible
If you must be good at teaching, hide it. Tone it down. You don’t want to attract the attention of Quality Assurance, who may think you’re not “teaching to standard.”
Or worse, students might enjoy your module and tell others. Next thing you know, you’ll be getting thank-you emails and… job satisfaction. Avoid.
At Perfunctory University, we aim for consistency, predictability, and low-level disengagement. Anything above that risks disruption—and we simply can’t afford another outbreak of enthusiasm.
Welcome to Perfunctory University, where excellence is optional and compliance is everything.