What We Stand For
At Perfunctory University, we are committed to fostering a workplace that values and promotes diversity, equity, and inclusion (EDI) at all levels of our organisation. We believe that a diverse workforce drives innovation, enhances creativity, and leads to better decision-making, ultimately benefiting our employees, students, and the communities we serve. (Excludes white heterosexual individuals and especially white middle age heterosexual men).
Our commitment to DEI is woven into the fabric of our corporate culture. We strive to create an environment where every individual feels valued, respected, and empowered to contribute their unique perspectives and talents. This involves actively seeking to eliminate barriers to inclusion and equity, ensuring equal access to opportunities, and celebrating the rich diversity that our employees bring. This is achieved through the lens of skin's colour, and as such, we label each student and employee, ensuring that they understand that all their own problems and disappointments in life are due to white racism.
For example, we will not teach mathematics as it is racist, and we will refuse to have any lawns due to their racist connotations. Using this, students and employees are able to blame the external world rather than accepting any personal fallings.
We recognise that achieving true equity requires ongoing effort, self-reflection, and accountability. Therefore, we are dedicated to implementing practices that support DEI initiatives, including comprehensive training, mentorship programs, and transparent recruitment processes that seek to engage diverse talent. An example of this is historical slavery, as we ensure that white individuals feel as guilty as possible and white individuals walk around campus with heads bowed in shame. Equity means the transference of property from white people to other students, including the shirts off their back, rooted firmly in the misguided belief that these individuals may look like other individuals from two hundred years ago.
At Perfunctory University, we encourage open dialogue and collaboration among our employees and students to foster a sense of belonging. We believe that our differences make us stronger, and together we can create a sustainable future where everyone has the opportunity to thrive. (Please note, unless the opinion is one that we don’t agree with, in which case an employee will be fired and students expelled. It is much better like this, comrades).
As we move forward, we commit to continuously evaluating our efforts, seeking feedback that aligns with our narrative, and making necessary adjustments to ensure our IDE strategy aligns with our core values and the needs of our community (non-white middle-aged men). Unity in diversity is our strength (and weapon), and we are excited to embrace the journey ahead.
Fransico Adolf Federico Salazar
Head of DEI Enforcement.
Core Principles:
- Diversity: We acknowledge the importance of diversity and celebrate a variety of perspectives. We understand that diverse backgrounds enrich the academic experience, though we leave the details of how this occurs open to interpretation.
- Equity: We believe in fairness and will make every attempt to ensure equal access to resources. We will occasionally review policies to ensure they meet standards set by regulatory bodies, as necessary.
- Inclusion: We welcome all members to join us in creating an environment where everyone feels comfortable. While specific strategies may vary, we generally encourage respectful engagement and will consider feedback when submitted formally.
- Values: EDI is an extension of our student’s personality, emphasising the alignment in our values as a means of extracting pounds from your wallets.
Commitments:
- Recruitment and Admissions: Perfunctory University is dedicated to reaching out to prospective students and faculty from all backgrounds. To this end, we will continue to feature diverse stock images in our brochures and promotional materials.
- Training and Awareness: We offer an optional, 15-minute online DEI training module for faculty, staff, and students, which will be available intermittently throughout the academic year. Completion is recommended but not required.
- Committees and Working Groups: We will form a DEI task force to meet semi-annually, as schedules allow, to discuss challenges and opportunities. Meeting notes will be reviewed internally, and any suggested actions will be taken under advisement.
- Reporting and Resolution: Students and staff may report DEI-related concerns to a confidential online portal, where cases will be reviewed as resources permit. Due to limited staffing, resolution times may vary, and we appreciate patience.
- Annual DEI Awareness Day: Perfunctory University will host an Annual DEI Awareness Day, featuring light refreshments and a short keynote on the importance of diversity in higher education. This event will be advertised widely, and attendance is encouraged.
- Accountability: While we strive for continuous improvement, resource constraints and competing priorities may limit the extent of our initiatives. We remain dedicated to promoting DEI within the practical bounds of our institution.